#4 (the other part of the tie) Becoming Emmaline's Mom

Growing up I had always dreamed of becoming a mom.  I really did want to have at least a boy and a girl, but I think I thought a lot more about being the mom of a girl. I'm not really sure why, probably because I'm a girl and I really like being "girly".   I dreamed about dressing a little girl up in frilly dresses, getting our nails done, playing with dolls and all the other fun things I did as a little girl.  As I mentioned in my last post I love my son, he and I do have such a special bond that I didn't realize existed between a mother and son.  Even though I loved my little boy with all my heart I still really hoped that God would bless our family with a little girl.



I found out I was pregnant with Emmaline at the end  of August 2010.  Darin and I were on a trip to Washington D.C when I started to suspect that I was but I waited til we got home to take a pregnancy test.  I don't think I told Darin I was going to take the test this time because I had a special way in mind to tell him.  I took the test, saw the plus sign and then I told Darin I needed to go run some errands.  I went to Babies R Us and found a "Big Brother" shirt for Landon.  When Landon got up from his nap that day I put the shirt on him and sent him in to see Darin who was working in his office.  Darin was of course thrilled that our family was once again expanding!

When Landon was in my belly (before we knew if he was a boy or girl) we called him Ziggy for Ziggy the Zygote.  We had also talked about Emmy the Embryo but Darin liked Ziggy so that stuck with Landon.  I told Darin that I wanted to call this baby Emmy the Embryo.  He asked me if it was because Emmy sounded girly and I was hoping for a girl.  I don't remember how I answered, I probably denied it but that really was part of the reason I wanted to go with Emmy.  (My husband knows me so well.) I was convinced that Emmy was a girl from very early on.  My pregnancy was different with her, one of the biggest indicators for me was that my skin was breaking out, which never happened with Landon and I just felt different.   When we went for our ultra sound appointment I was fully expecting to find out the baby was a girl, Darin kept telling me, you know you could be wrong, it could be a boy, so you need to prepare yourself.  I told him that he was right, I could be wrong, but I really didn't think I was.  When our appointment came, I found out I was right, the baby was a girl, and the first thing I said was "Yes, I was right!"

I was so excited to have a little girl and I could not wait to start shopping.  The first thing I bought for her were these silver glitter tennis shoes that were on clearance at Babies R Us.  I actually bought two different sizes and a couple of outfits to go with them.  When I came home and showed them to Darin he asked me why I bought two pairs of them. My response was that I was restraining myself because they had them in four sizes and I only bought them in two!

I knew the name picking was going to be rough with a girl. We had really struggled to agree on a girl's name when we were pregnant with Landon so I wasn't sure how it would go.  We found out Emmy was a girl right before Christmas, so on our road trip to Memphis I took our baby name book and we read through girl names. We didn't really find anything we both loved like we loved Landon  Then on the way home we stopped for a potty break (less than an hour after I had last gone.) I told Darin I was sorry but I was pregnant and this is what happens.  Then Darin said to Landon, "Emmaline is sitting on your mother's bladder."   He said that right as I was getting out of the van, and as I shut the door and walked into the convenient store I thought Emmaline Avery, I love that name, that's it, that is her name! Then when I got back into the car I told Darin "I love that name Emmaline, I think that's it, that's her name."  I told him that it was beautiful and we could still call her Emmy for short if we wanted to.  Darin was surprised, he said he had suggested that before and I didn't like it, but I didn't remember that and I knew I liked it now.  We had a few more weeks of debating.  We had never met anyone named Emmaline so Darin wasn't sure it was a  "real name" and he made me google it.    We discovered that while it was an older name (hasn't been on the top 1000 baby names since 1915 and it was 994 then) it was a "real name".  I also discovered there is a children's book called Emmaline and the Bunny, Christian Bale's daughter's name is Emmaline, there is a band called Emmaline and several websites that sell various fashion items with the name Emmaline.  We also debated how to pronounce it, for me it was always Emma- "line", but Darin liked the pronunciations Emma "lynn" or Emma "lean".  We decided to go with "line".  Since we've named her that I've also seen it in historical fiction books and other people have told me about seeing it in books. We also found out that Darin has two ancestors (about 5 and 6 great grandmothers back) who were named Emeline.  Not the same, but pretty close! 

Darin was really scared that pink was going to explode all over our house but I actually did pretty well.  My mom and I picked out a really cute multicolor butterfly material for her nursery and we bought sparkly pastel butterflies for the walls.  I even left the walls of the nursery yellow. (Well... Darin made me leave the walls of the nursery yellow, but I didn't argue with him about it and happily found things that matched.)  My parents came to visit and help me redecorate the nursery and Landon's new big boy room.  My mom made all the bedding and curtains for the room herself, it is adorable!  My dad painted wooden letters to go over her crib and wooden butterfly pegs for the wall. The finished product was great, even Darin said he liked it and it wasn't "too pink."

My due date was April 30th and I started having contractions on and off the week before she was due.  Then on Friday morning April 29th  they started again at about 9am.  I had just talked to my friend Shelley and we planned a playdate for Landon and Tessa at her house that morning.  I knew I was having contractions before I left but I thought that it had been happening all week and they weren't very strong yet, so we would keep going with our day and see how things progressed.  I had been at Shelley's for about an hour when I knew I needed to get home because my contractions were becoming stronger and were definitely only 5 minutes a part.  I left at about 11:15am and by the time I got home they were getting pretty bad so I called Darin to come home and make lunch for Landon.  By about 12:30 I knew this was it and we needed to call our doctor and my friend Cindy to come over and watch Landon.  By time we got to the hospital it was close to 2pm, my contractions were only a couple of minutes apart and very intense.  I was doing really well with my breathing this time but I still really wanted that epidural.  Thankfully the nubain did take the edge off this time and since I knew what to expect as far as wait times for the epidural I was a nicer patient this time around.  I was progressing nicely but when the doctor came in and said she wanted to break my water I got really nervous.  You see with Landon it was right after they broke my water that things got really scary and I had to have a c-section.  I did not want to have another c-section.  Thankfully everything was fine when they broke my water, although I did keep asking the whole time I was in labor, even up until the time I started having to push, "How likely is it at this point that I will have to have a c-section?"  My nurse kept reassuring me that I would probably be fine, but I wasn't convinced.

I started pushing around 9pm and Emmaline was born about 45 minutes later.  It was incredible. I will never forget the look on Darin's face as he watched her come out or when he got to hold her for the first time.  He kept saying "This is so awesome!"  Thankfully my epidural was working well or I might have not thought it was sweet that he thought it was so "awesome".  As soon as she came out they put her on my chest and it was love at first site.  She was gorgeous. (Although her head was a little more misshapen as she was the first child to come through the birth canal and they did have to use the vacuum to help her along.)  She had a ton of DARK hair and beautiful blue eyes..  I think we were expecting another blond child because Landon was blond and so were Darin and I as babies but she definitely was a brunette (although her hair did turn blond at about 1 year old.)  

When I was pregnant with Emmaline I always wondered if I would be able to love her as much as I loved Landon.  I knew other people who had two or more children said they loved their children the same but before you have more than one child you just don't know what that's like so it was hard to comprehend loving another child as much as I loved Landon.  However the coolest thing happened to me when Emmaline was born.  I think I was expecting my love to be divided between Darin, Landon and Emmaline, that I would love Emmaline but somehow my love for everyone else would get smaller, or maybe I thought  my capacity to love would expand but it would only include this new person and my love for the others would stay the same.  What I discovered though was that not only did I have more love to give this precious new little girl but my love for Darin and Landon also increased.   It was the most amazing thing as God expanded my capacity to love it overflowed onto everyone.  That was definitely the most amazing part of Emmaline's birth for me.

"Pre-orange mesmorization"

Another one of my favorite moments came the day after Emmaline was born.  The morning after Emmaline arrived Darin went home to take a shower and get Landon to bring him up to the hospital. Landon was so excited to see me when he came into the hospital room.  He gave me a great big hug and then when I introduced him to his new sister Emmy he was mesmorized with her.   He had the sweetest expression on his face the first time he looked at her. The moment lasted for about 5 seconds and then he spotted an orange on my breakfast tray and started demanding the orange.  After he got his orange he did come back to "hold" Emmy and talk to her a little bit but I will always laugh thinking about him thinking she was just the coolest thing ever, until he saw the orange.   He did really love her right away though.  He was so good with her and experienced minimal jealousy. There were times that he would tell me to put Emmy down because he needed a hug.  I tried to hold them together on my lap a lot though and would say "Landon and Emmy the dynamic duo." Landon picked up on that pretty quickly and he would always say it too.  He also would tell me when she started crying, especially if I didn't immediately go pick her up.   Then if I didn't go over to her as soon as he thought I should, he'd lean over her and say "What's the matter little girl? What's the matter?" Then he would say, "She's okay mom, Emmy's okay."  They have grown to have a great love for each other. They play great together and he tells me sometimes that Emmy is his best friend.  I also heard him talking to her when they were playing in his room the other day.  He told her that he missed her when he was at preschool.  So cute!

Having a little girl has been just as much fun as I thought it would be.  She has this sweetness about her that is just irresistible.   She also has been such a good baby, she doesn't sleep as much as Landon did but she is happy when she is awake.  It's also been fun to watch her personality develop and see the differences between her and her brother.  I think her communication and understanding came more quickly than Landon, but she definitely took her time with her motor skills.  That was okay with me, because I already had one really fast kid to chase around, so having her stay less mobile for awhile made it a little easier.  Although now she's is up and going, trying her best to keep up with her brother and I must say she has been able to hang pretty tough with the rough older brother treatment.  Sometimes when I go to scold Landon for being to rough she just looks at me like, "It's okay mommy, I'm fine."

So far she is definitely every bit as "girly" as I could want her to be. She loves it when we linger in front of her closet and she likes to gaze at and "pet" her clothes.  She even picks out her own outfits sometimes. She also loves shoes, it was one of her first words!   I've also discovered recently that she is a girl after my own heart with her love of sparkly things.  I recently got her some sequin boots and she loves showing them off to people.  Then the other day she and I were shopping at Kohls and they already have all these red Christmas trees up that are decorated with sparkly red and pink ornaments.  Every time we would go past one she would say "ooooh" and reach out to touch them.  Yes, definitely a girl after my own heart, she loves red and all things that sparkle.

I hope one day our common interests will expand past material things and that as she grows into an adult we will become close friends.  I'm sure we will have our rough patches over her growing up years, but I pray we will get through that without too many bad scars and that we will be able to develop a really special friendship.  I think that hope is the best part of having a daughter for me.  I know Landon will grow up and start to identify with his dad more and while he (I hope) will still love me, the time we get to spend together will be less.  However I  hope that with Emmy she and I will become the best of friends and spend a lot of time together.  I look forward to helping her plan her wedding and encouraging her when she is a new mother.   I want her to feel comfortable coming to me with whatever is going on in her life and I pray I can set a good example for her as to what it means to be a woman who is pursuing God with her whole heart and life.

After I picked out Emmaline's name I looked for it in this baby name book that has the spiritual meanings of names and a verse next to them.  I don't know how accurate they are but the I loved the verse I found associated with Emmaline (well technically it was next to Emily but that was what it directed me to for Emmaline). It was Matthew 5:16, Let your light shine before men, so they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.  That has been and continues to be my prayer for my sweet Emmaline.  I pray she will come to know Jesus as her Savior at a very young age and that she will always live her life in a way that when people see the way she lives her life they will give glory to God.  It's not an easy task, but I pray that God will give her the strength and ability to do it.  I know for certain she will have a mom in her corner praying for her every single day and thanking God for this beautiful amazing gift that is my daughter "Emmy".