#4 (Tie) Becoming Landon's Mom

So if you have been following my blog you might be thinking #4?? What happened to #5? Well this post and my next post are about becoming a mother to Landon and Emmaline.  Since I said my top 5 would be my all time favorite memories I couldn't give one a higher spot then the other, therefore they will both be number 4, however I am writing Landon's first because he was born first.

I always thought that I would wait at least 4 or 5 years after I got married to have kids because I wanted to really enjoy my time with just me and my husband.  However when I decided to marry Darin he informed me that waiting 4 or 5 years would not be an option because he was getting "old".  So we compromised and waited a full year before getting pregnant. It was actually 13 months after we got married that we found out we were expecting.   I had some trouble figuring out how to read the tests (you know "faint" lines and all that.)  I ended up taking 3 just to be sure. Darin actually made me get a digital one so that he could see it said "pregnant" and not just the little plus sign.

We were so excited that we got pregnant right away.  I got online to calculate my due date and I discovered the baby would be born right around my dad's 60th birthday. So when we called to tell them I asked him how he would like to have his first grandchild as his 60th birthday gift. He and my mom of course were thrilled and said that would be wonderful!

My first trimester was filled with many of the classic pregnancy symptoms.  I have NEVER been so tired in my life.  I literally fell asleep every night at about 8pm.  I would typically fall asleep on the couch while watching TV and Darin finally started saying why don't you just go to bed at 8?  I had some nausea but thankfully only got sick a few times.  My sense of smell was extremely heightened and the worst offenders were cheerios and this pomade hair product Darin had.  

Things got better in the second trimester and I discovered that while I didn't LOVE being pregnant, I didn't hate it either.  I was extremely thankful to be pregnant and to be able to experience what it was like to carry my own child  but I wasn't one of those women who absolutely love every minute and just "glow".  Although I will say I LOVE pregnancy hair! I also had this nagging anxiety that I wouldn't like our child.  Everyone assured me that I would like him, but I had my doubts, there were some kids I'd met that I didn't like, I was really hoping my kid was not one of those. 

I really enjoyed getting ready to welcome our first child. I loved picking out all our baby items, decorating the nursery and I even enjoyed our child birth classes.  It was fun getting to be with all the expecting first time parents.  Choosing a name was interesting. We went on a road trip and took a couple of name books.  I remember when I read "Landon" Darin stopped me and said I really like that, and I paused and thought about it and I agreed that I did as well.  Then I said I really liked how Landon Robert sounded and so did Darin so from there on out that was the name if our baby should be a boy.  We had a little more trouble agreeing on a girls name, in fact we fought about it so much that we had to table the girls name discussion until after found out the sex because it just wasn't worth all the fights.  Darin however was convinced we were having a boy (as were the boys we taught in youth group at the time) and he was right, in July we found out we were in fact having a boy.

They are very close even though they don't share a b-day.

We really wanted Landon to be born on my dad's birthday, December 8th, and it was pretty reasonable because my due date was the 10th of December.  We had discovered that my dad was born on his grandfather's birthday so we thought that would be a pretty cool tradition to continue.  However Landon arrived at about 6am on December 9th.  Little stinker missed it by 6 hours!  I remember I started having contractions on the 8th, but they were mild and were coming and going.  We had a doctor's appointment that day but she said they weren't strong enough for it to be labor.   I said but they are coming every five minutes and lasting for close to a minute (which was the marker she had given me).  She watched me have some and said yeah but this isn't it, she said you'll know when its real labor contractions.   I found myself very confused and was doubting her until about 1:30am when I was woken from a deep sleep with the most excruciating pain I've ever felt IN MY LIFE.  After I got through a few "real" contractions, I thought "oh this is what she meant by you'll just know."  We were suppose to wait till they had gone on consistently for an hour, however after a half an hour of THE MOST EXCRUCIATING PAIN IN MY LIFE, I had Darin call the doctor and ask if we could come in.  Thankfully he said yes and I was on my way to get that epidural, ahem.. I mean to meet our son.

Much to my disappointment when we arrived at the hospital I discovered that I could not immediately get my epidural!  Also all the breathing techniques I had been learning in four weeks of child birth classes went right out the window.  I held my breath and gritted my teeth.  Apparently before they give you an epidural they have to ask you a million questions (that I had already answered on my preregistration forms) and pump you full of fluid.  In the meantime they gave me nubain which the nurse said would take the edge off the pain but in fact didn't do anything except make me feel really out of it.  I don't remember much about the next few hours, except that the nurse kept telling me to be careful because she didn't want me to fall off the bed and Darin had to fill out a ton of paperwork (again that I thought we'd already taken care of) and I really just wanted him to come hold my hand.  I also remember really not liking my nurse so much.  She seemed really hyper for the middle of the night, and she kept telling me in the middle of my contractions to be careful not to fall of the bed. Finally after about 2 hours of begging for my epidural and waiting for my IV bag full of fluids to be emptied a wonderful doctor came in and stuck a needle in my back and I felt so much better!!

Pretty soon after that another doctor came in and broke my water. He said there was myconium (baby poop) in it so they would have to have a respiratory doctor in the room when we delivered to make sure Landon hadn't gotten any in his lungs.  Not long after that time though the nurses started acting funny and playing with the monitor on my belly.   Then the doctor came back and said the baby's heart rate had dropped and they needed to do an emergency c-section.  I was shocked because everything had been going well, they said I was progressing well and would have the baby "soon".   I was also kind of out of it when he told me because I remember kind of arguing with him and asking if I could try a different position to see if it would help.  The doctor was annoyed and let me try but it didn't work and he said we need to do this now, which was very scary.  They wheeled me out and took Darin to get scrubs on.  They were cutting me open before Darin even got in there, I remember I kept asking for him and they said he was coming and wouldn't miss it. I remember I didn't have any pain but I could feel them pulling my stomach apart.  That was a really strange sensation.  Darin made it in just in time, they got Landon out safely and when I heard his first cries I started crying.  That freaked everyone out and the doctors started asking me if I was in pain, I told them no, I was just so excited to finally hear my little boy.  I couldn't believe he was actually here!  Soon Darin had him in his arms and showed him to me as they were sewing me back up.  He was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.  His head was shaped perfectly and I thought he looked just like Darin's baby picture.

 I don't really remember anything after that until we were back in the recovery room and they were weighing Landon and Darin was taking pictures.  Darin came and laid Landon on top of me but my epidural was still in effect and I couldn't really feel anything even in my arms, so I asked him to take him back after a minute or so because I was afraid he was going to roll off of me.  The rest of the day was pretty amazing.  Our pastor, Jeff, came by soon after Landon was born and that was really special to have him there for a little bit but other than that it was just me, Darin and Landon for the rest of the day.  (Well and a bunch of doctors and nurses.) It was one of the most favorite days of my life.  I had dreamed of becoming a mom since I was a little girl and I was finally getting to meet my first born.   When the feeling came back into my body I spent lots of time cuddling with my precious little boy.  Also that first day I had some really strong pain killers coming through the IV so I felt pretty good until about 7pm when the IV ran out and I had to go to pills. The rest of our three days there I was in a lot of pain from the c-section, so I didn't enjoy that quite as much.

Darin and I really thought (and still do think) that Landon was the most beautiful newborn I've ever seen. I was prepared to not think he was cute, as I think most newborns look pretty smashed and misshapen for the first few days or weeks, but he was gorgeous. Perfect head shape, beautiful eyes and the sweetest lips.  All the doctors and nurses commented on how cute he was. Yes I'm sure they do that for all the babies, but I remember the nurses would look at him would say, "Wow, He is really cute!" And then they would look at me like really, he's exceptionally cute.



This little boy that God has given us has totally turned our world upside down for the better.  I admit I had a rough first few months, I really struggled with baby blues and the mother/child bond took a little longer than I had hoped it would.  I loved him right away but it honestly took me awhile to feel connected to him.  Everything was just so new and I had never experienced anything like this before, it was terrifying at first. Plus I was breastfeeding and I had a lot of trouble with that in the beginning so it was very stressful.   I was so glad I had my mom and dad come and stay with us for the first week.  They were a huge help with taking care of Landon as well as emotional support for me.  There is nothing that makes you appreciate your mom more than becoming a mom.

After I got into the groove of motherhood and got the breastfeeding figured out, I really started to fully enjoy my son.  Landon was such a good baby.  He slept all the time, started sleeping through the night fairly early, I'm pretty sure by 10 weeks or before he could go 6 hours or more.  There is no better gift to a new mom than 6 uninterrupted hours of sleep.  Landon also just had the best nature, as he began to develop his personality we discovered that he really was a happy baby. He smiled and laughed  all the time and was just so much fun. I remember one day asking Darin what his favorite thing about Landon was, and he said he loved what a happy baby Landon was.  I loved watching Darin with his son.  It made me feel loved just watching Darin show love to Landon. 

It's a good thing Landon was so happy and fun, because while he was a really good baby, he was also very active once he got to be mobile.  He was (and is) really fast.  I always say he didn't learn to walk, he learned to run and he learned to do that by 11 months old!   I have enjoyed him so much, even though he keeps me running (literally) all the time.   Not only is Landon fast but he is also very strong willed, which is a challenge, but I know God has given me the child I need and Landon the parents he needs.  He also has a very magnetic personality.  He makes friends wherever he goes and seems to draw people.  This trait about him is really interesting to me because when I was pregnant I told Darin I wanted to claim a verse for Landon when we prayed for him. The verses we picked was 2 Corinthians 2:14-17, was about being like the fragrance of Christ and that Landon would be a person who draws people to Christ like a sweet aroma, draws people to something.    So my prayer for him has always been that he would come to know Christ personally at a young age and then for the rest of his life, that he would live his life in such a way that draws people to Christ.  I do see in him, even at 3 years old, a love for God beginning to grow.  Also I've seen God use Landon with his sweet personality and outgoing nature to help me connect with other moms and get to share Christ's love with them. It's been pretty incredible.

One of the biggest insights I had when becoming a mother for the first time was a glimpse of how God must feel about us.  Obviously I am not humanly capable of loving anyone as much as God loves us but by becoming a mother I think I gained a better understanding of his unconditional love for us.  I've come to realize that my children are really the only people in this world that I love 100% unconditionally. Its not something I had to try to do, it just happened and I really can't imagine anything they could do that would make me stop loving them.  Yes they could hurt me in many ways, but I think I would still love them despite that hurt.  I was hesitant to share this because I don't want to devalue my love for Darin.  I do love Darin very much, but I choose to love him.  I choose to love him more than our kids and put his needs first.  However I know deep down that my love for Darin is somewhat conditional. As much as I hate to say it, there are things that he could do that would probably make me stop loving him.  I hope that never happens, I don't for see it happening, but I think it would be possible if he hurt me bad enough that I could chose not to love him anymore.  I don't feel like I have that choice with my kids. I feel like I can't help but love them, which I think must be how God feels about us.

Another insight I've gained with the birth of Landon is how strong and special the bond is between a mother and son.  It is such a special relationship, I adore him and he adores me.  I know it won't always be like this, one day another women will come into the picture and he will adore her, which is what is suppose to happen, but I am really loving the relationship we have right now and I will treasure it always, as I treasure him.