#3 Falling in Love with Darin

Tonight when Darin and I were playing with Landon and Emmaline, I looked over at him and thought it's so funny that this man who is now the father of my children, the person that, God willing, I will spend the rest of my life with, I didn't really even know 7 years ago.  It's amazing how quickly someone can become such an important part of your life. This is especially true in mine and Darin's relationship, our courtship was what some might consider "too fast".  In fact if you had asked me in the years before we got together I would have said I could never decide to get married that quickly, however I learned that cliche expression that so many people have repeated, "we just knew" was true for us.


Let me start at the beginning of our story, which in truth for me started before Darin was even on my radar in any way shape or form.  I had just moved to Cleveland for my first "real" job, which was at an organization called Cleveland Hope. I won't go into that though as I already talked about that job in this blog post.   It was late January or early February and my housemates and I were trying to find a church in the Cleveland area.  We attended a new church start called Mosaic.  I don't remember what the sermon was about that day, but at the end that pastor had us all bow our heads for a time of prayer and reflection and at that time I felt God speak to me very clearly about three characteristics He wanted me to start praying for in a husband.  I don't know why this happened at this time, I don't think the sermon was about relationships and I know I wasn't checking out anyone in that service as possible marriage material, but nevertheless the memory is very clear and I know for certain that God was speaking to about these three things. The three characteristics He told me to start praying for were:
1. That God would give me a husband with Christ-like integrity.
2. That God would give me a husband who was a servant leader.
3.  That God would give me a husband who would put his family second only to God.
Even though I was completely bewildered as to why God was burdening me with this right now, I began to pray for these things and continued to pray for the next 5 or 6 months.

Fast forward a few weeks after this service, I come to my desk one day to find a fax laying on it from a church planter who was currently working in the town right next to where I grew up.  His name was Darin and the fax was a partnership interest form, which is the form people turned in when they wanted to come to Cleveland on a mission trip.  When I looked at the form I recognized Darin's name, I knew who he was as he had visited my home church several times and I had gone with groups to serve at  a local city mission where he had worked a few years before.   I didn't really think anything of it and I proceeded to do my normal job and contacted him to get more information about his mission trip interests and after a cordial but business like conversation I told him I would be in touch as soon as we found a project for his team.

I continued over the next few months to exchange emails or short phone calls with him regarding the mission trip but then one day I got an email from him that wasn't a typical "mission team leader" to "moblization associate" email.  The email said he wanted to come to town on a pre-trip to check out what his group would be doing before bringing his team to Cleveland.  This was a pretty typical thing for mission team leaders to do.  However the next thing the email said was that he was going to catch an Indians game while he was here and he wanted to know if I would go with him.  I remember rolling back from my desk and saying to my friend Amber, (who also knew of Darin from our hometown) "I think Darin just asked me on a date."  We proceeded to analyze the situation and I believe another of our co-workers, Micah,  jumped in the conversation with his male perspective.  We debated whether it was just a friendly, hey I don't really know anyone in Cleveland and could use some company kind of invitation or was this a date.  I was skeptical about it being a date until  a few days prior to this "questionable baseball game date" he asked me to have dinner with him before the game and it was then that I was pretty sure, this was a date.

Now I have to be honest, I was already pretty nervous about this baseball game.   I'm not a super big sports fan and I know baseball games can be long, really long.  I was so worried about what this guy who was a friendly acquaintance and I would talk about for 3-4 HOURS! Then if that wasn't nerve wracking enough, we were going to have dinner before! That meant another hour of trying to make conversation! So there was a part of me that was dreading this "outing".  However there was another part of me that was kind of excited about it.  Since we had decided to attend this game we had exchanged a few more emails that were slightly more personal in nature and he seemed like a really nice guy, plus if my memory was serving me correctly he was also nice looking.  So while I expressed a lot of dread to my co-workers about this FOUR HOUR baseball game and how I was sure we would have nothing to talk about, I was excited enough to bring stuff to work that day to redo my makeup and hair before we went out.  (The plan was for him to pick me up at work.)

Well as you may have guessed by now, much to my surprise dinner and the baseball game went really well. We talked the whole time and we both really enjoyed ourselves.  It went so well that he even came over to my house for a little while after the game where we continued to talk.  I have to admit when he left that night I was very much interested in spending more time with this Darin guy.  However there was one big problem, we lived four hours away from each other.  I remember going to bed and praying that night, I thanked God for the good time we had and that it wasn't awkward. I told the Lord that I thought Darin was a really cool guy and I was sad that the distance would probably keep me from getting to know him better, but I asked that the Lord's will be done and that He would work it out however He saw fit.

D & I on my 24th Birthday!

It just so happened that I was going home to attend my best friend's wedding shower the day after we went to the baseball game.  I had told Darin that I would be in town that weekend and guess who decided to call me and see if I would have time to get ice cream with him before I headed back to Cleveland?? So just three days after our baseball game date we went to Flubbs for ice cream and I continued to realize how cool this Darin guy was, however the sadness was still there when after an hour or so I had to get in my car and head back to Cleveland.  I think he asked me if he could call me and I said yes, he even offered to call me on my drive back to talk to me and help me stay awake!  Just a few hours after I left I did indeed get a phone call from him telling me how much he had enjoyed hanging out with me.  He called me several more times that week and we talked for hours.  My birthday was that following Sunday and late in the week he told me he wanted to drive up to take me out for my birthday! I was pretty impressed, he wanted to drive 4 hours up and 4 hours back in one day just to take me to dinner on my birthday.

Subway at the park!

So on my 24th birthday, he showed up at my house around 5 with a birthday present which included flowers and a disposable camera (that he wanted to use to take picture of us on our date as he didn't have any pictures of me.)  We took a drive along a Lake Erie coastal road and stopped at Subway to get sandwich which we ate a cute little park, where he held my hand for the first time and gave me a very surprising kiss on the cheek.  I remember getting back in the car after we had eaten and I was fiddling with this magnetic clip he had sitting in his consul and he told me, "I really wish you would put that clip down so I can hold your hand."  ( I saved that clip for years, even after it broke, Darin always teased me about it, but I loved the special memory attached to it.)  We then drove back to my house and hung out on a school playground that was right next to my house.  We sat on the swings and talked for hours.  It was then that Darin told me he wanted to pursue me for marriage.  Wow!  I was a little blown away at this comment.  I mean our first date had been on June 1st, it was now June 11th! So while part of me wanted to run, because I had been burned in my past by guys who had come on very strong in the beginning of a relationship, something inside me, told me not to run, but just to wait and see.  I think I told him I was interested in getting to know him better but I admitted I was a little guarded because of past hurts, he was understanding but also challenged me not to judge him based on other guys mistakes.

(One of my least favorite memories of that night was D's goatee!)

One of my favorite memories of that night was when we were sitting on the swings and he asked me if I had ever seen the movie First Night.  I told him I vaguely remembered it and so he proceeded to tell me this story about how Sir Lancelot had rescued Guinevere but when he kissed her she got mad at him. So he tells her I will not kiss you again until you ask me to.  Darin then told me that he really wanted to kiss me but he would wait until I asked him to.  Wow!  If I was a swooning woman, I think I would have then.  (However, even though he totally melted my heart with that story, I still made him wait til the next date to kiss me.)  We really had an amazing night though, we talked, cuddled some and we ended up staying at the park till almost 2 in the morning! I felt so bad because he had to drive four hours back home!

The next few weeks became very intense. We were four hours away but there were a lot of emails exchanged and lots of long phone conversations.  Darin would write me poems and he would talk about the future and was very clear that he saw me as a part of his future. In one of those phone conversations I found out that while he had really wanted to bring a mission team to Cleveland, he had ulterior motives from very early on in the process and those were to meet me and find out if I was marriage material! He told me about how when he was "researching Cleveland Hope" he found my picture on the website and accidentally made it the wall paper of the shared computer at his work! In another of those phone conversations I told him that I was surprised that he was interested in me because I was pretty sure he was too good for me.  The reason I was sure that he was in fact to good for me was because on our first date he had told  me about how he used a trash can to take a shower during his first few months after moving to his ministry job in Hamilton because the place he stayed didn't have a shower. (If you know me, you know that would not be something I would want to do for an extended period of time.)  He then told me that he loved the fact that I was so girly and had so many pairs of shoes! (He denies he ever said that about the shoes, but I promise he did!) 
 

I was especially smitten after the goatee was gone. :)

 I admit that I was totally smitten with him but I still wasn't sure that I was as serious about our relationship as he was. In fact there were times where I found myself a little freaked out by how sure he seemed to be about our relationship and future.  I remember it was a few weeks in when one of my good friends and co-workers, Micah, challenged me that it was time to decide how I felt.  He said, " Darin is obviously very serious about you and its time for you to decide how serious you are about this relationship. Is he someone you can see yourself spending your life with?"  That challenge really took me back for a minute.  I had been praying but I started to pray even more seriously and I remember it was within the next 24 hours that God brought to my mind the three characteristics that he had asked me to start praying for back in late January.  I realized that Darin was a man with Christ-like integrity, he was a servant leader, and in one of our discussions we had he had talked about wanting to always make sure he didn't put his ministry before his wife and children.  It was then that I started to have peace and realize that this was the man I could see myself spending the rest of my life with.

The next two months were a whirlwind.  We still lived four hours a part but we made it work. He came to Cleveland for the 4th of July, we met in Columbus for a few Saturday dates, I went home a couple of times, he came up for a week with his mission trip.  It was during the month of July that Darin decided to look for work in Cleveland.  His ministry commitment was coming to an end and mine had just started so it just seemed to make sense.  We started praying that God would open the right doors and by the first week of August he had accepted a job offer to come and be the worship and small groups pastor of a new church start, Bridge Church. 

Things were really rolling along.  He had told me that he wanted to marry me. He was uprooting his whole life to be close to me.  I knew he was going to propose sometime soon, but I had no idea when or how he would do it. The very last weekend in August was to be his last week at the church where he was serving as the part time worship pastor. That church was going to ordain him that Sunday and then he was packing up and moving to Cleveland.  He had met my parents the weekend before when my best friend had gotten married.  I also knew he had taken my dad out to breakfast and asked for his permission to marry me.  However we still weren't engaged.

At our 2nd Indians game together!

The Friday night before his ordination service he had driven to Cleveland to go to an Indians game with me.  My work was having a party there and we were allowed to bring a guest.  I was sure he was going to propose that night. I mean it was perfect, our first date was at an Indians game, I knew he had the ring already.  However the night came and went and there was no proposal.  That Saturday I drove back to Cincinnati with him so I could be there for his ordination service. His parents and sister were also coming to town for it and I would meet them for the first time.  He told me we were all going to have dinner at a his good friend's house, the Postelwaits.  Thankfully I got to meet his parents a little earlier in the day when we were able to have lunch with them after they got into town, because I don't think I could have handled everything that was going to happen that night if I had added meeting his parents for the very first time. 

Re-enacting "the moment" with huge fake ring

We arrived at the Postelwaits for dinner that night and I walked in to find not only Darin's parents and sister, but also my parents as well as my brother Chad and sister in law, Julie.  If that wasn't enough another couple who had been very special to Darin and I, Larry and Linda Gaines, were there!  I was in shock! I kept thinking this is so weird what is going on?? Why didn't he tell me my parents were going to be here?  I was honestly a little miffed at him that he hadn't let me prepare myself for our parents first meeting.   Then I realized, he's going to propose that night, so I was really nervous!

See why the "Me" was hard for me to see?

After a beautiful dinner, a few of the men got up and went outside to "look at a car in the garage".  Darin put his arm around me as Helen opened the curtain on a big picture window looking over the backyard.  Darin asked if I had seen the backyard, I remember saying, "Yes, you showed me last time we were here."  He then said, "will you please look again?" so I looked out the window and there was a sign lit up with Christmas lights that I thought said "Deborah, Will You Marry?   I looked back at Darin, he had gotten down on one knee and had pulled a ring out of his pocket and was looking at me and waiting.  I didn't say anything because I was wondering if he was going to finish the question as all I could see on the sign was" Deborah, Will You Marry?"  I remember he asked me "Can you read the sign?" I said,  "Yes, I think so..." and he said "well..." at which point I just couldn't hold it in any more and said, "Yes of course I'll marry you!" (Later I found out the sign did say me but he had used the same 'M' for marry and me because he had run out of room.)  Everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief when I finally said yes. I had hesitated so long because I thought he was going to finish the question that I had apparently made them all nervous that I would turn him down!

We got engaged August 26th, less than three months after our first date. We were married a short 6 months after that.  It was definitely a whirlwind romance and it all happened much faster than my practical self ever would have thought possible.  However I discovered that sometimes you really just do "know".  Also after the initial few weeks where I struggled with a lot of fear of being hurt, I just had an incredible peace that committing to spend my life with Darin was what God wanted me to do (and what I wanted to do!). That is something Darin always said as well, he just always had an incredible peace about us, a peace that surpassed all understanding.   Being engaged less than three months after I had  prayed and asked God to let his will be done in this friendship with a guy who had taken me to a baseball game but lived  four hours away, was not the answer I expected from God.  That's the cool thing about how God works though, His answer to my prayers was so much better than anything I would have imagined, and I thank him for the wonderful gift he gave me in Darin every single day!

#1 The Single Most Important Relationship in My Life

In the past 29 posts I have talked about a lot of people who have been special to me and great influences in my life.  While I love all of the people highlighted in this blog dearly, none can compare to my love for the One this blog features.  He has been my rock through everything life has thrown at me good and bad.  He has never left my side, He guides my every step and I know he will be with me forever.  If you've read any of my other posts. I hope it is obvious that I am talking about my Savior, the Lord of my life, Jesus Christ.  This post is about how I came to know Jesus personally.

As I mentioned in my very first post I grew up with parents and grandparents who loved Jesus.  They did their best to teach me about Jesus and the Bible. We were very involved at our church and so I heard the gospel many many times.  I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I remember hearing the story of how Jesus died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins and then rose again three days later, when I was very young.  I remember hearing about how I needed to ask Jesus to forgive my sins and invite him into my heart.  I remember knowing I wanted to do this a long time before I made my public profession of faith.  The reason I think I waited so long was because while I knew I wanted Jesus to save me, I also kept hearing that Jesus would "knock on the door of my heart" and when I felt him "knocking on my heart" I should invite him in and I would be saved.

Now I was a VERY literal child and I heard this phrase "Jesus is knocking on your heart" a lot, so I can vividly remember waiting for Jesus to "knock on my heart".  One memory that stands out to me was that I was sitting my little rocking chair in my room, holding one of my baby dolls and I heard something. I remember I stopped rocking and thought "Is that Jesus knocking on my heart?"  If it is, I don't want to miss it!  Well time went by and I kept waiting for Jesus to knock on my heart, all the time knowing that I really wanted him to forgive me of  my sins and come "live in my heart."  One day when I was 7 years old my best friend Amy went forward at church and told everyone that she had been saved and wanted to be baptized.  This really had me thinking all week because Amy was actually a little younger than me.  I remember thinking if Amy is old enough to have Jesus in her heart then I think I'm ready to have Jesus in my heart.  So I thought about this all week and I finally decided to talk to my mom.

I remember it was Saturday night and my mom was getting ready to go out with my dad to a Christmas party.  We had washed my hair (because it was church the next day) and she was drying it in her bathroom.  I remember asking her, "Mom how do I get saved?"   (I already knew, I had been hearing about it for years but I didn't know a better way to start the conversation.)  She stopped the hair dryer and set me down on the toilet (with the seat down of course).  I remember she kneeled  in front of me  and we talked about how you need to believe that Jesus came to earth, lived a perfect life, died on the cross for our sins, and then rose again three days later.  She asked me if I wanted to do this and I told her I did.  Then she called my dad and he went over some verses in Romans with me called the Romans Road.  He asked me if I was sure I was ready to invite Jesus into my heart and I told him I was, so we prayed together and I told Jesus I believed he died on the cross for me, that God raised him from the dead and I asked him to forgive my sins and come live in my heart. The very next day I walked down the aisle at church and told everyone that I had asked Jesus into my heart and wanted to be baptized.  I had the privilege of being baptized that very next week, (Christmas Eve 1989 I believe) along with my best friend Amy. 

As I'm writing this right now it just hit me that the best decision I've ever made or ever will make, I made when I was 7!  That is a pretty powerful thought to me.  Now even though I officially started my walk with Christ when I was 7, it didn't end there.  I struggled during my childhood years as to whether I was really "saved".  I was plagued with a lot of doubts, maybe I was to young, did I really understand what I did, was Jesus really "knocking on my heart"?  (Yeah I will never use that phrase with my kids, it caused me way to much confusion.)  When I was 14 I went to camp and the preacher talked about being sure of your salvation, he talked about how salvation was more than just a ticket to heaven, it was about having a relationship with Jesus Christ and he said if you weren't sure you were saved you should nail it down right then and there.  So I remember that night I asked the Lord once again to save me and take away all my doubts this time, let me be sure of my salvation.

At first I thought that this night had been the night I had been truly saved.  I felt at peace and I came home from camp telling my parents that I got saved and I wanted to be baptized again because I didn't think I had really been ready when I was baptized at 7.  I remember they were supportive of me, but they encouraged me to wait. They said they really believed that I had made a true commitment when I was 7 and that I should just give it some time to think about it.  I was pretty annoyed with them at first, but looking back on it I'm so glad that I did wait.  A few years later I was able to look back on what happened and I realized that I had truly accepted Jesus with a child like faith when I was 7. In Luke 18:17 it says, I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.  That's what I believe I did at 7, I accepted Christ with a child like faith ,and I was truly saved at time. I did exactly as Romans 10:9-10 says, If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord" and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. 

What I believe happened when I was 14 was that I began to walk with Christ.  I realized that being saved was not just about a ticket into heaven.  It was about being in a relationship with Christ every single day!  It was about seeking to know Christ intimately by studying the Bible, praying, worshiping with other believers and serving others.  It was about letting Him mold me into the person He wanted me to be whatever that might look like.  It meant surrendering every single one of my desires over to Him and allowing His will to be done in my life.  Now I really don't think I realized all of that in that exact moment at 14 years old, but those are things I've realized since I began to truly walk with Christ that night.  

Well if you've read my blog at all you kind of already know the rest of my story, well at least the good highlights.  Looking back over this blog and all the experiences I've shared I can see Christ's hand at work in my life in every single one of them, because He has been at work in my life every single day.  I would truly be lost without Jesus.  I can't imagine living my life without him and I honestly don't know how people survive who don't know Christ as their Lord and Savior.    My life would be so empty without Christ.  All these amazing relationships I've written about, these people who have made such an impact in my life, almost all of these relationships have one thing in common, they love Jesus too.  Without that shared love of Christ, I know that these relationships could never have meant as much as they did to me and influenced me as much as they have.  That's the thing about God, He uses His Holy Spirit to speak to us in many ways, through the Bible, through a sermon, through a still small voice and through other believers. He's used many of people mentioned in this blog to do just that.

 If you haven't noticed this blog is different than most of the others because I don't have any pictures in it.  You see I don't have any pictures of me with Jesus and I am really not a fan of most of the pictures people have tried to recreate of him. However even though I can't see him, he's as real to me as any other person I've talked about in this blog. My relationship with him is the single most important relationship in my life.  If you are reading this and you don't know Christ personally, you probably think I'm a little crazy, but I have to wonder if you got to the end of this lengthy post, are you a little curious about this Jesus I'm talking about?  Are you feeling like maybe you're missing something in your life? If you are then I would love to talk to you and share more about how Christ has changed my life and how he can change yours.   

As I conclude my LAST post of this blog, I wanted to end with a little note to my readers.
 I know many of you who are reading this are believers and I want to thank you for reading my stories. When I started this blog I didn't really think anyone would be interested in this besides maybe my parents and in-laws, cause they're just so nice and supportive, plus they are all retired so they have time on their hands. :) However its been really encouraging to me because a lot of people have read these stories and told me that they've enjoyed them.  It's been hard at times to complete this project but words of encouragement from you have helped me along. The other thing that has motivated me to finish is that while I started this blog as a way for me to reflect on my life and celebrate the 30 years God has given me, its become a gift I want to give to my children.  As the years go by I may not remember all these phases of life and the people who made them so special quite as clearly as I do now, therefore I wanted to write about it so that my children could see who I was before I became the old "mom" they know.  I hope it will be a gift that they will enjoy one day and I hope they will be able to see as clearly as I do the hand of God moving in my life, shaping me through life events and special friendships into the person God has designed me to be.  I don't think I've arrived at that person in this first 30 years, and I really don't think I will ever arrive, but my goal is to try each day to get closer to that person than I was the day before.  I know I'll mess up and fall back at times, but that's the great thing about having Jesus' unconditional love, I know when I do mess up, he'll forgive me, and help me start again.  

Thanks again for reading!  I'm hoping these next 30 years will be as awesome as my first!

 

#2 What Happily Ever After Really Looks Like...

One of the best days of my life was my wedding day.  It was February 24th, 2007.  My parents gave us a beautiful wedding.  I loved my dress, the ceremony was beautiful, and the party afterwards was a really fun celebration (even if there was an ice storm raging outside!)  The best part of all of that was that I was becoming Darin's wife!  For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health I was promising to spend my life with the love of my life.  I remember looking at Darin during our vows thinking, I can't believe he picked me.  I am so blessed.

I loved our wedding day.  We were surrounded by family and friends, which was awesome.  I got to have an all chocolate cake (yes, all chocolate, icing and everything!)  I'm not going to lie it was one of my favorite parts of our wedding.  We had a pretty fun dance party, which included my husband dancing around with a bag on his head.  Last but certainly not least I had a fabulous gown that was fit for the princess I always wanted to be.

The song at the very end of our ceremony, the one we walked out to, was Blessed Be Your Name.  If you don't  know the song, here is a link to the lyrics. I love this song and I picked it for our final wedding song because I wanted our mindset to be that, "every blessing you pour out, we'll turn back to praise, when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your name, Jesus."    This was our prayer for our relationship because while our wedding was as perfect as it could have possibly been (besides the whole ice storm thing), and our courtship was somewhat of a whirlwind romance, everyday life is not like that, and that was what our wedding day was, the beginning of every day life.  So my prayer for us was that no matter what was thrown at us in this life we would always stay close to the Lord and bless His name.

One of those rare date night.

I love being married to Darin.  He is a wonderful husband.  He's always willing to help me out in any way that I ask him to.  He rarely ever refuses one of my requests.  He's a wonderful father, our children are so very blessed to have a daddy who loves them as much as Darin does.  Darin and I have a great time together, we can have great talks where were pour our hearts out to each other, or we can sit comfortably in silence.  We play games together (okay, well we use to play games together, the past few years we are so exhausted from the small children that while we do occasionally play games, most of the time we just crash in front of a favorite tv show or movie.)  No matter what we're doing, he's just my favorite person to be with.  It's true our romantic date nights have turned into family dinners followed by a walk with our two kids in the double stroller or maybe going on a bike ride with our children tucked safely into their bike seats behind us.  We do ocassionally get a date night but they definitely aren't the norm anymore.

 If any of you are young, and single reading this, you a re probably thinking "wow, that sounds boring", but you know what? I'm okay with boring if that's what it means.  We're happy, we have a happy marriage (most of the time.)   Its not always easy, we fight at times, we get annoyed with each other, we get overly stressed and busy but we have a deep love for one another that makes us stick out those harder times.  I'm thankful for a husband that I can trust and depend on, one I know isn't going to walk out on our family just because it gets hard. 


The other day Emmaline was sick and I picked up a few movies from the library in case we needed to have a cuddle on the couch day.  One of them was a princess stories movie, not any the original movies, but one of those that has short continuations of their stories.  I've always been drawn to those kinds of stories because while I love the romance and excitement of the original story, I want to see what happens after "Happily Ever After."  Shortly after I picked up that movie, I found myself in the bathroom, trying to have a minute to relieve myself, when my children rushed in demanding things.  I sat there thinking I wonder if they'll ever make a story about Cinderella where she's raising her children with Prince Charming and they have to get up in the middle of the night to clean up the vomit because someone puked all over her crib, or she's trying to make a nice dinner while her children are hanging on her legs screaming that their hungry or some other demand that she just doesn't have the time to do.  Or maybe she and prince charming are trying to have a nice family dinner at a restaurant but one of their toddlers gets upset because they won't let him crawl on the nasty floor under the table and he proceeds to throw a fit so massive that Cinderella has to drag her flailing child to the restroom in order to appropriately discipline the fit throwing child.

What do you think about those movie sequel ideas?? I think it would be pretty awesome to see a princess movie like that but we probably never will because most people wouldn't put those situations into the "Happily Ever After" category. However, that is exactly what my "Happily Ever After" looks like at times. And you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything else in this world because I get to do all of it, the fun days filled with laughter, hugs, kisses and fun family outings, as well as the less desireable tasks such as puke cleaning, group trips to the potty, and disciplining fit throwing children with my very best friend in the whole world, my very own "prince charming".  I'm pretty blessed because my prince charming is right there in the middle of all of it with me. He changes diapers like a pro, when I'm cleaning up the vomit covered toddler, he's changing the sheets and cleaning the crib.  But one of my favorite things about my prince charming is,( be ready to be jealous ladies,) he NEVER complains about my cooking.  He always eats whatever I make and never criticizes. The closest I think he's come in the past 6 years is ONE time he said, that wasn't my favorite meal ever. 

Being married to Darin has been one of the greatest blessing of my life.  He has give me so many precious gifts.  Our two children are of course some of our most precious gifts.  I was also given a wonderful extended family when I married Darin.  I am blessed to have a mother and father-in-law who I love dearly. They are supportive, generous and they love my children.  They taught my husband to love and serve the Lord and I am forever grateful to them for that.  I also got an awesome sister-in-law who I adore and really don't get to see often enough!  Another cool blessing is that he has an extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins that are all really awesome people and I have very much enjoyed getting to be a part of their family over the past 6 years.

While all those things are amazing, the very best gift that Darin has given me is his steadfast love.  I know in good times and bad that my husband loves me dearly (even when he may not like me very much). I know he will stay by my side no matter what comes our way.  He is committed to us and our family and that is a priceless gift in a day and age where people take their marriage vows so lightly.  So yes... I can say with 100% certainty that I am very pleased with what my "Happily Ever After" looks like.

Thanks Babe for helping to make this girl's fairy tale come true.  I love you forever and ever! I'm praying for many more years of "Happily Ever After" with you!

#4 (the other part of the tie) Becoming Emmaline's Mom

Growing up I had always dreamed of becoming a mom.  I really did want to have at least a boy and a girl, but I think I thought a lot more about being the mom of a girl. I'm not really sure why, probably because I'm a girl and I really like being "girly".   I dreamed about dressing a little girl up in frilly dresses, getting our nails done, playing with dolls and all the other fun things I did as a little girl.  As I mentioned in my last post I love my son, he and I do have such a special bond that I didn't realize existed between a mother and son.  Even though I loved my little boy with all my heart I still really hoped that God would bless our family with a little girl.



I found out I was pregnant with Emmaline at the end  of August 2010.  Darin and I were on a trip to Washington D.C when I started to suspect that I was but I waited til we got home to take a pregnancy test.  I don't think I told Darin I was going to take the test this time because I had a special way in mind to tell him.  I took the test, saw the plus sign and then I told Darin I needed to go run some errands.  I went to Babies R Us and found a "Big Brother" shirt for Landon.  When Landon got up from his nap that day I put the shirt on him and sent him in to see Darin who was working in his office.  Darin was of course thrilled that our family was once again expanding!

When Landon was in my belly (before we knew if he was a boy or girl) we called him Ziggy for Ziggy the Zygote.  We had also talked about Emmy the Embryo but Darin liked Ziggy so that stuck with Landon.  I told Darin that I wanted to call this baby Emmy the Embryo.  He asked me if it was because Emmy sounded girly and I was hoping for a girl.  I don't remember how I answered, I probably denied it but that really was part of the reason I wanted to go with Emmy.  (My husband knows me so well.) I was convinced that Emmy was a girl from very early on.  My pregnancy was different with her, one of the biggest indicators for me was that my skin was breaking out, which never happened with Landon and I just felt different.   When we went for our ultra sound appointment I was fully expecting to find out the baby was a girl, Darin kept telling me, you know you could be wrong, it could be a boy, so you need to prepare yourself.  I told him that he was right, I could be wrong, but I really didn't think I was.  When our appointment came, I found out I was right, the baby was a girl, and the first thing I said was "Yes, I was right!"

I was so excited to have a little girl and I could not wait to start shopping.  The first thing I bought for her were these silver glitter tennis shoes that were on clearance at Babies R Us.  I actually bought two different sizes and a couple of outfits to go with them.  When I came home and showed them to Darin he asked me why I bought two pairs of them. My response was that I was restraining myself because they had them in four sizes and I only bought them in two!

I knew the name picking was going to be rough with a girl. We had really struggled to agree on a girl's name when we were pregnant with Landon so I wasn't sure how it would go.  We found out Emmy was a girl right before Christmas, so on our road trip to Memphis I took our baby name book and we read through girl names. We didn't really find anything we both loved like we loved Landon  Then on the way home we stopped for a potty break (less than an hour after I had last gone.) I told Darin I was sorry but I was pregnant and this is what happens.  Then Darin said to Landon, "Emmaline is sitting on your mother's bladder."   He said that right as I was getting out of the van, and as I shut the door and walked into the convenient store I thought Emmaline Avery, I love that name, that's it, that is her name! Then when I got back into the car I told Darin "I love that name Emmaline, I think that's it, that's her name."  I told him that it was beautiful and we could still call her Emmy for short if we wanted to.  Darin was surprised, he said he had suggested that before and I didn't like it, but I didn't remember that and I knew I liked it now.  We had a few more weeks of debating.  We had never met anyone named Emmaline so Darin wasn't sure it was a  "real name" and he made me google it.    We discovered that while it was an older name (hasn't been on the top 1000 baby names since 1915 and it was 994 then) it was a "real name".  I also discovered there is a children's book called Emmaline and the Bunny, Christian Bale's daughter's name is Emmaline, there is a band called Emmaline and several websites that sell various fashion items with the name Emmaline.  We also debated how to pronounce it, for me it was always Emma- "line", but Darin liked the pronunciations Emma "lynn" or Emma "lean".  We decided to go with "line".  Since we've named her that I've also seen it in historical fiction books and other people have told me about seeing it in books. We also found out that Darin has two ancestors (about 5 and 6 great grandmothers back) who were named Emeline.  Not the same, but pretty close! 

Darin was really scared that pink was going to explode all over our house but I actually did pretty well.  My mom and I picked out a really cute multicolor butterfly material for her nursery and we bought sparkly pastel butterflies for the walls.  I even left the walls of the nursery yellow. (Well... Darin made me leave the walls of the nursery yellow, but I didn't argue with him about it and happily found things that matched.)  My parents came to visit and help me redecorate the nursery and Landon's new big boy room.  My mom made all the bedding and curtains for the room herself, it is adorable!  My dad painted wooden letters to go over her crib and wooden butterfly pegs for the wall. The finished product was great, even Darin said he liked it and it wasn't "too pink."

My due date was April 30th and I started having contractions on and off the week before she was due.  Then on Friday morning April 29th  they started again at about 9am.  I had just talked to my friend Shelley and we planned a playdate for Landon and Tessa at her house that morning.  I knew I was having contractions before I left but I thought that it had been happening all week and they weren't very strong yet, so we would keep going with our day and see how things progressed.  I had been at Shelley's for about an hour when I knew I needed to get home because my contractions were becoming stronger and were definitely only 5 minutes a part.  I left at about 11:15am and by the time I got home they were getting pretty bad so I called Darin to come home and make lunch for Landon.  By about 12:30 I knew this was it and we needed to call our doctor and my friend Cindy to come over and watch Landon.  By time we got to the hospital it was close to 2pm, my contractions were only a couple of minutes apart and very intense.  I was doing really well with my breathing this time but I still really wanted that epidural.  Thankfully the nubain did take the edge off this time and since I knew what to expect as far as wait times for the epidural I was a nicer patient this time around.  I was progressing nicely but when the doctor came in and said she wanted to break my water I got really nervous.  You see with Landon it was right after they broke my water that things got really scary and I had to have a c-section.  I did not want to have another c-section.  Thankfully everything was fine when they broke my water, although I did keep asking the whole time I was in labor, even up until the time I started having to push, "How likely is it at this point that I will have to have a c-section?"  My nurse kept reassuring me that I would probably be fine, but I wasn't convinced.

I started pushing around 9pm and Emmaline was born about 45 minutes later.  It was incredible. I will never forget the look on Darin's face as he watched her come out or when he got to hold her for the first time.  He kept saying "This is so awesome!"  Thankfully my epidural was working well or I might have not thought it was sweet that he thought it was so "awesome".  As soon as she came out they put her on my chest and it was love at first site.  She was gorgeous. (Although her head was a little more misshapen as she was the first child to come through the birth canal and they did have to use the vacuum to help her along.)  She had a ton of DARK hair and beautiful blue eyes..  I think we were expecting another blond child because Landon was blond and so were Darin and I as babies but she definitely was a brunette (although her hair did turn blond at about 1 year old.)  

When I was pregnant with Emmaline I always wondered if I would be able to love her as much as I loved Landon.  I knew other people who had two or more children said they loved their children the same but before you have more than one child you just don't know what that's like so it was hard to comprehend loving another child as much as I loved Landon.  However the coolest thing happened to me when Emmaline was born.  I think I was expecting my love to be divided between Darin, Landon and Emmaline, that I would love Emmaline but somehow my love for everyone else would get smaller, or maybe I thought  my capacity to love would expand but it would only include this new person and my love for the others would stay the same.  What I discovered though was that not only did I have more love to give this precious new little girl but my love for Darin and Landon also increased.   It was the most amazing thing as God expanded my capacity to love it overflowed onto everyone.  That was definitely the most amazing part of Emmaline's birth for me.

"Pre-orange mesmorization"

Another one of my favorite moments came the day after Emmaline was born.  The morning after Emmaline arrived Darin went home to take a shower and get Landon to bring him up to the hospital. Landon was so excited to see me when he came into the hospital room.  He gave me a great big hug and then when I introduced him to his new sister Emmy he was mesmorized with her.   He had the sweetest expression on his face the first time he looked at her. The moment lasted for about 5 seconds and then he spotted an orange on my breakfast tray and started demanding the orange.  After he got his orange he did come back to "hold" Emmy and talk to her a little bit but I will always laugh thinking about him thinking she was just the coolest thing ever, until he saw the orange.   He did really love her right away though.  He was so good with her and experienced minimal jealousy. There were times that he would tell me to put Emmy down because he needed a hug.  I tried to hold them together on my lap a lot though and would say "Landon and Emmy the dynamic duo." Landon picked up on that pretty quickly and he would always say it too.  He also would tell me when she started crying, especially if I didn't immediately go pick her up.   Then if I didn't go over to her as soon as he thought I should, he'd lean over her and say "What's the matter little girl? What's the matter?" Then he would say, "She's okay mom, Emmy's okay."  They have grown to have a great love for each other. They play great together and he tells me sometimes that Emmy is his best friend.  I also heard him talking to her when they were playing in his room the other day.  He told her that he missed her when he was at preschool.  So cute!

Having a little girl has been just as much fun as I thought it would be.  She has this sweetness about her that is just irresistible.   She also has been such a good baby, she doesn't sleep as much as Landon did but she is happy when she is awake.  It's also been fun to watch her personality develop and see the differences between her and her brother.  I think her communication and understanding came more quickly than Landon, but she definitely took her time with her motor skills.  That was okay with me, because I already had one really fast kid to chase around, so having her stay less mobile for awhile made it a little easier.  Although now she's is up and going, trying her best to keep up with her brother and I must say she has been able to hang pretty tough with the rough older brother treatment.  Sometimes when I go to scold Landon for being to rough she just looks at me like, "It's okay mommy, I'm fine."

So far she is definitely every bit as "girly" as I could want her to be. She loves it when we linger in front of her closet and she likes to gaze at and "pet" her clothes.  She even picks out her own outfits sometimes. She also loves shoes, it was one of her first words!   I've also discovered recently that she is a girl after my own heart with her love of sparkly things.  I recently got her some sequin boots and she loves showing them off to people.  Then the other day she and I were shopping at Kohls and they already have all these red Christmas trees up that are decorated with sparkly red and pink ornaments.  Every time we would go past one she would say "ooooh" and reach out to touch them.  Yes, definitely a girl after my own heart, she loves red and all things that sparkle.

I hope one day our common interests will expand past material things and that as she grows into an adult we will become close friends.  I'm sure we will have our rough patches over her growing up years, but I pray we will get through that without too many bad scars and that we will be able to develop a really special friendship.  I think that hope is the best part of having a daughter for me.  I know Landon will grow up and start to identify with his dad more and while he (I hope) will still love me, the time we get to spend together will be less.  However I  hope that with Emmy she and I will become the best of friends and spend a lot of time together.  I look forward to helping her plan her wedding and encouraging her when she is a new mother.   I want her to feel comfortable coming to me with whatever is going on in her life and I pray I can set a good example for her as to what it means to be a woman who is pursuing God with her whole heart and life.

After I picked out Emmaline's name I looked for it in this baby name book that has the spiritual meanings of names and a verse next to them.  I don't know how accurate they are but the I loved the verse I found associated with Emmaline (well technically it was next to Emily but that was what it directed me to for Emmaline). It was Matthew 5:16, Let your light shine before men, so they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.  That has been and continues to be my prayer for my sweet Emmaline.  I pray she will come to know Jesus as her Savior at a very young age and that she will always live her life in a way that when people see the way she lives her life they will give glory to God.  It's not an easy task, but I pray that God will give her the strength and ability to do it.  I know for certain she will have a mom in her corner praying for her every single day and thanking God for this beautiful amazing gift that is my daughter "Emmy".  

#4 (Tie) Becoming Landon's Mom

So if you have been following my blog you might be thinking #4?? What happened to #5? Well this post and my next post are about becoming a mother to Landon and Emmaline.  Since I said my top 5 would be my all time favorite memories I couldn't give one a higher spot then the other, therefore they will both be number 4, however I am writing Landon's first because he was born first.

I always thought that I would wait at least 4 or 5 years after I got married to have kids because I wanted to really enjoy my time with just me and my husband.  However when I decided to marry Darin he informed me that waiting 4 or 5 years would not be an option because he was getting "old".  So we compromised and waited a full year before getting pregnant. It was actually 13 months after we got married that we found out we were expecting.   I had some trouble figuring out how to read the tests (you know "faint" lines and all that.)  I ended up taking 3 just to be sure. Darin actually made me get a digital one so that he could see it said "pregnant" and not just the little plus sign.

We were so excited that we got pregnant right away.  I got online to calculate my due date and I discovered the baby would be born right around my dad's 60th birthday. So when we called to tell them I asked him how he would like to have his first grandchild as his 60th birthday gift. He and my mom of course were thrilled and said that would be wonderful!

My first trimester was filled with many of the classic pregnancy symptoms.  I have NEVER been so tired in my life.  I literally fell asleep every night at about 8pm.  I would typically fall asleep on the couch while watching TV and Darin finally started saying why don't you just go to bed at 8?  I had some nausea but thankfully only got sick a few times.  My sense of smell was extremely heightened and the worst offenders were cheerios and this pomade hair product Darin had.  

Things got better in the second trimester and I discovered that while I didn't LOVE being pregnant, I didn't hate it either.  I was extremely thankful to be pregnant and to be able to experience what it was like to carry my own child  but I wasn't one of those women who absolutely love every minute and just "glow".  Although I will say I LOVE pregnancy hair! I also had this nagging anxiety that I wouldn't like our child.  Everyone assured me that I would like him, but I had my doubts, there were some kids I'd met that I didn't like, I was really hoping my kid was not one of those. 

I really enjoyed getting ready to welcome our first child. I loved picking out all our baby items, decorating the nursery and I even enjoyed our child birth classes.  It was fun getting to be with all the expecting first time parents.  Choosing a name was interesting. We went on a road trip and took a couple of name books.  I remember when I read "Landon" Darin stopped me and said I really like that, and I paused and thought about it and I agreed that I did as well.  Then I said I really liked how Landon Robert sounded and so did Darin so from there on out that was the name if our baby should be a boy.  We had a little more trouble agreeing on a girls name, in fact we fought about it so much that we had to table the girls name discussion until after found out the sex because it just wasn't worth all the fights.  Darin however was convinced we were having a boy (as were the boys we taught in youth group at the time) and he was right, in July we found out we were in fact having a boy.

They are very close even though they don't share a b-day.

We really wanted Landon to be born on my dad's birthday, December 8th, and it was pretty reasonable because my due date was the 10th of December.  We had discovered that my dad was born on his grandfather's birthday so we thought that would be a pretty cool tradition to continue.  However Landon arrived at about 6am on December 9th.  Little stinker missed it by 6 hours!  I remember I started having contractions on the 8th, but they were mild and were coming and going.  We had a doctor's appointment that day but she said they weren't strong enough for it to be labor.   I said but they are coming every five minutes and lasting for close to a minute (which was the marker she had given me).  She watched me have some and said yeah but this isn't it, she said you'll know when its real labor contractions.   I found myself very confused and was doubting her until about 1:30am when I was woken from a deep sleep with the most excruciating pain I've ever felt IN MY LIFE.  After I got through a few "real" contractions, I thought "oh this is what she meant by you'll just know."  We were suppose to wait till they had gone on consistently for an hour, however after a half an hour of THE MOST EXCRUCIATING PAIN IN MY LIFE, I had Darin call the doctor and ask if we could come in.  Thankfully he said yes and I was on my way to get that epidural, ahem.. I mean to meet our son.

Much to my disappointment when we arrived at the hospital I discovered that I could not immediately get my epidural!  Also all the breathing techniques I had been learning in four weeks of child birth classes went right out the window.  I held my breath and gritted my teeth.  Apparently before they give you an epidural they have to ask you a million questions (that I had already answered on my preregistration forms) and pump you full of fluid.  In the meantime they gave me nubain which the nurse said would take the edge off the pain but in fact didn't do anything except make me feel really out of it.  I don't remember much about the next few hours, except that the nurse kept telling me to be careful because she didn't want me to fall off the bed and Darin had to fill out a ton of paperwork (again that I thought we'd already taken care of) and I really just wanted him to come hold my hand.  I also remember really not liking my nurse so much.  She seemed really hyper for the middle of the night, and she kept telling me in the middle of my contractions to be careful not to fall of the bed. Finally after about 2 hours of begging for my epidural and waiting for my IV bag full of fluids to be emptied a wonderful doctor came in and stuck a needle in my back and I felt so much better!!

Pretty soon after that another doctor came in and broke my water. He said there was myconium (baby poop) in it so they would have to have a respiratory doctor in the room when we delivered to make sure Landon hadn't gotten any in his lungs.  Not long after that time though the nurses started acting funny and playing with the monitor on my belly.   Then the doctor came back and said the baby's heart rate had dropped and they needed to do an emergency c-section.  I was shocked because everything had been going well, they said I was progressing well and would have the baby "soon".   I was also kind of out of it when he told me because I remember kind of arguing with him and asking if I could try a different position to see if it would help.  The doctor was annoyed and let me try but it didn't work and he said we need to do this now, which was very scary.  They wheeled me out and took Darin to get scrubs on.  They were cutting me open before Darin even got in there, I remember I kept asking for him and they said he was coming and wouldn't miss it. I remember I didn't have any pain but I could feel them pulling my stomach apart.  That was a really strange sensation.  Darin made it in just in time, they got Landon out safely and when I heard his first cries I started crying.  That freaked everyone out and the doctors started asking me if I was in pain, I told them no, I was just so excited to finally hear my little boy.  I couldn't believe he was actually here!  Soon Darin had him in his arms and showed him to me as they were sewing me back up.  He was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.  His head was shaped perfectly and I thought he looked just like Darin's baby picture.

 I don't really remember anything after that until we were back in the recovery room and they were weighing Landon and Darin was taking pictures.  Darin came and laid Landon on top of me but my epidural was still in effect and I couldn't really feel anything even in my arms, so I asked him to take him back after a minute or so because I was afraid he was going to roll off of me.  The rest of the day was pretty amazing.  Our pastor, Jeff, came by soon after Landon was born and that was really special to have him there for a little bit but other than that it was just me, Darin and Landon for the rest of the day.  (Well and a bunch of doctors and nurses.) It was one of the most favorite days of my life.  I had dreamed of becoming a mom since I was a little girl and I was finally getting to meet my first born.   When the feeling came back into my body I spent lots of time cuddling with my precious little boy.  Also that first day I had some really strong pain killers coming through the IV so I felt pretty good until about 7pm when the IV ran out and I had to go to pills. The rest of our three days there I was in a lot of pain from the c-section, so I didn't enjoy that quite as much.

Darin and I really thought (and still do think) that Landon was the most beautiful newborn I've ever seen. I was prepared to not think he was cute, as I think most newborns look pretty smashed and misshapen for the first few days or weeks, but he was gorgeous. Perfect head shape, beautiful eyes and the sweetest lips.  All the doctors and nurses commented on how cute he was. Yes I'm sure they do that for all the babies, but I remember the nurses would look at him would say, "Wow, He is really cute!" And then they would look at me like really, he's exceptionally cute.



This little boy that God has given us has totally turned our world upside down for the better.  I admit I had a rough first few months, I really struggled with baby blues and the mother/child bond took a little longer than I had hoped it would.  I loved him right away but it honestly took me awhile to feel connected to him.  Everything was just so new and I had never experienced anything like this before, it was terrifying at first. Plus I was breastfeeding and I had a lot of trouble with that in the beginning so it was very stressful.   I was so glad I had my mom and dad come and stay with us for the first week.  They were a huge help with taking care of Landon as well as emotional support for me.  There is nothing that makes you appreciate your mom more than becoming a mom.

After I got into the groove of motherhood and got the breastfeeding figured out, I really started to fully enjoy my son.  Landon was such a good baby.  He slept all the time, started sleeping through the night fairly early, I'm pretty sure by 10 weeks or before he could go 6 hours or more.  There is no better gift to a new mom than 6 uninterrupted hours of sleep.  Landon also just had the best nature, as he began to develop his personality we discovered that he really was a happy baby. He smiled and laughed  all the time and was just so much fun. I remember one day asking Darin what his favorite thing about Landon was, and he said he loved what a happy baby Landon was.  I loved watching Darin with his son.  It made me feel loved just watching Darin show love to Landon. 

It's a good thing Landon was so happy and fun, because while he was a really good baby, he was also very active once he got to be mobile.  He was (and is) really fast.  I always say he didn't learn to walk, he learned to run and he learned to do that by 11 months old!   I have enjoyed him so much, even though he keeps me running (literally) all the time.   Not only is Landon fast but he is also very strong willed, which is a challenge, but I know God has given me the child I need and Landon the parents he needs.  He also has a very magnetic personality.  He makes friends wherever he goes and seems to draw people.  This trait about him is really interesting to me because when I was pregnant I told Darin I wanted to claim a verse for Landon when we prayed for him. The verses we picked was 2 Corinthians 2:14-17, was about being like the fragrance of Christ and that Landon would be a person who draws people to Christ like a sweet aroma, draws people to something.    So my prayer for him has always been that he would come to know Christ personally at a young age and then for the rest of his life, that he would live his life in such a way that draws people to Christ.  I do see in him, even at 3 years old, a love for God beginning to grow.  Also I've seen God use Landon with his sweet personality and outgoing nature to help me connect with other moms and get to share Christ's love with them. It's been pretty incredible.

One of the biggest insights I had when becoming a mother for the first time was a glimpse of how God must feel about us.  Obviously I am not humanly capable of loving anyone as much as God loves us but by becoming a mother I think I gained a better understanding of his unconditional love for us.  I've come to realize that my children are really the only people in this world that I love 100% unconditionally. Its not something I had to try to do, it just happened and I really can't imagine anything they could do that would make me stop loving them.  Yes they could hurt me in many ways, but I think I would still love them despite that hurt.  I was hesitant to share this because I don't want to devalue my love for Darin.  I do love Darin very much, but I choose to love him.  I choose to love him more than our kids and put his needs first.  However I know deep down that my love for Darin is somewhat conditional. As much as I hate to say it, there are things that he could do that would probably make me stop loving him.  I hope that never happens, I don't for see it happening, but I think it would be possible if he hurt me bad enough that I could chose not to love him anymore.  I don't feel like I have that choice with my kids. I feel like I can't help but love them, which I think must be how God feels about us.

Another insight I've gained with the birth of Landon is how strong and special the bond is between a mother and son.  It is such a special relationship, I adore him and he adores me.  I know it won't always be like this, one day another women will come into the picture and he will adore her, which is what is suppose to happen, but I am really loving the relationship we have right now and I will treasure it always, as I treasure him.