#4 (the other part of the tie) Becoming Emmaline's Mom

Growing up I had always dreamed of becoming a mom.  I really did want to have at least a boy and a girl, but I think I thought a lot more about being the mom of a girl. I'm not really sure why, probably because I'm a girl and I really like being "girly".   I dreamed about dressing a little girl up in frilly dresses, getting our nails done, playing with dolls and all the other fun things I did as a little girl.  As I mentioned in my last post I love my son, he and I do have such a special bond that I didn't realize existed between a mother and son.  Even though I loved my little boy with all my heart I still really hoped that God would bless our family with a little girl.



I found out I was pregnant with Emmaline at the end  of August 2010.  Darin and I were on a trip to Washington D.C when I started to suspect that I was but I waited til we got home to take a pregnancy test.  I don't think I told Darin I was going to take the test this time because I had a special way in mind to tell him.  I took the test, saw the plus sign and then I told Darin I needed to go run some errands.  I went to Babies R Us and found a "Big Brother" shirt for Landon.  When Landon got up from his nap that day I put the shirt on him and sent him in to see Darin who was working in his office.  Darin was of course thrilled that our family was once again expanding!

When Landon was in my belly (before we knew if he was a boy or girl) we called him Ziggy for Ziggy the Zygote.  We had also talked about Emmy the Embryo but Darin liked Ziggy so that stuck with Landon.  I told Darin that I wanted to call this baby Emmy the Embryo.  He asked me if it was because Emmy sounded girly and I was hoping for a girl.  I don't remember how I answered, I probably denied it but that really was part of the reason I wanted to go with Emmy.  (My husband knows me so well.) I was convinced that Emmy was a girl from very early on.  My pregnancy was different with her, one of the biggest indicators for me was that my skin was breaking out, which never happened with Landon and I just felt different.   When we went for our ultra sound appointment I was fully expecting to find out the baby was a girl, Darin kept telling me, you know you could be wrong, it could be a boy, so you need to prepare yourself.  I told him that he was right, I could be wrong, but I really didn't think I was.  When our appointment came, I found out I was right, the baby was a girl, and the first thing I said was "Yes, I was right!"

I was so excited to have a little girl and I could not wait to start shopping.  The first thing I bought for her were these silver glitter tennis shoes that were on clearance at Babies R Us.  I actually bought two different sizes and a couple of outfits to go with them.  When I came home and showed them to Darin he asked me why I bought two pairs of them. My response was that I was restraining myself because they had them in four sizes and I only bought them in two!

I knew the name picking was going to be rough with a girl. We had really struggled to agree on a girl's name when we were pregnant with Landon so I wasn't sure how it would go.  We found out Emmy was a girl right before Christmas, so on our road trip to Memphis I took our baby name book and we read through girl names. We didn't really find anything we both loved like we loved Landon  Then on the way home we stopped for a potty break (less than an hour after I had last gone.) I told Darin I was sorry but I was pregnant and this is what happens.  Then Darin said to Landon, "Emmaline is sitting on your mother's bladder."   He said that right as I was getting out of the van, and as I shut the door and walked into the convenient store I thought Emmaline Avery, I love that name, that's it, that is her name! Then when I got back into the car I told Darin "I love that name Emmaline, I think that's it, that's her name."  I told him that it was beautiful and we could still call her Emmy for short if we wanted to.  Darin was surprised, he said he had suggested that before and I didn't like it, but I didn't remember that and I knew I liked it now.  We had a few more weeks of debating.  We had never met anyone named Emmaline so Darin wasn't sure it was a  "real name" and he made me google it.    We discovered that while it was an older name (hasn't been on the top 1000 baby names since 1915 and it was 994 then) it was a "real name".  I also discovered there is a children's book called Emmaline and the Bunny, Christian Bale's daughter's name is Emmaline, there is a band called Emmaline and several websites that sell various fashion items with the name Emmaline.  We also debated how to pronounce it, for me it was always Emma- "line", but Darin liked the pronunciations Emma "lynn" or Emma "lean".  We decided to go with "line".  Since we've named her that I've also seen it in historical fiction books and other people have told me about seeing it in books. We also found out that Darin has two ancestors (about 5 and 6 great grandmothers back) who were named Emeline.  Not the same, but pretty close! 

Darin was really scared that pink was going to explode all over our house but I actually did pretty well.  My mom and I picked out a really cute multicolor butterfly material for her nursery and we bought sparkly pastel butterflies for the walls.  I even left the walls of the nursery yellow. (Well... Darin made me leave the walls of the nursery yellow, but I didn't argue with him about it and happily found things that matched.)  My parents came to visit and help me redecorate the nursery and Landon's new big boy room.  My mom made all the bedding and curtains for the room herself, it is adorable!  My dad painted wooden letters to go over her crib and wooden butterfly pegs for the wall. The finished product was great, even Darin said he liked it and it wasn't "too pink."

My due date was April 30th and I started having contractions on and off the week before she was due.  Then on Friday morning April 29th  they started again at about 9am.  I had just talked to my friend Shelley and we planned a playdate for Landon and Tessa at her house that morning.  I knew I was having contractions before I left but I thought that it had been happening all week and they weren't very strong yet, so we would keep going with our day and see how things progressed.  I had been at Shelley's for about an hour when I knew I needed to get home because my contractions were becoming stronger and were definitely only 5 minutes a part.  I left at about 11:15am and by the time I got home they were getting pretty bad so I called Darin to come home and make lunch for Landon.  By about 12:30 I knew this was it and we needed to call our doctor and my friend Cindy to come over and watch Landon.  By time we got to the hospital it was close to 2pm, my contractions were only a couple of minutes apart and very intense.  I was doing really well with my breathing this time but I still really wanted that epidural.  Thankfully the nubain did take the edge off this time and since I knew what to expect as far as wait times for the epidural I was a nicer patient this time around.  I was progressing nicely but when the doctor came in and said she wanted to break my water I got really nervous.  You see with Landon it was right after they broke my water that things got really scary and I had to have a c-section.  I did not want to have another c-section.  Thankfully everything was fine when they broke my water, although I did keep asking the whole time I was in labor, even up until the time I started having to push, "How likely is it at this point that I will have to have a c-section?"  My nurse kept reassuring me that I would probably be fine, but I wasn't convinced.

I started pushing around 9pm and Emmaline was born about 45 minutes later.  It was incredible. I will never forget the look on Darin's face as he watched her come out or when he got to hold her for the first time.  He kept saying "This is so awesome!"  Thankfully my epidural was working well or I might have not thought it was sweet that he thought it was so "awesome".  As soon as she came out they put her on my chest and it was love at first site.  She was gorgeous. (Although her head was a little more misshapen as she was the first child to come through the birth canal and they did have to use the vacuum to help her along.)  She had a ton of DARK hair and beautiful blue eyes..  I think we were expecting another blond child because Landon was blond and so were Darin and I as babies but she definitely was a brunette (although her hair did turn blond at about 1 year old.)  

When I was pregnant with Emmaline I always wondered if I would be able to love her as much as I loved Landon.  I knew other people who had two or more children said they loved their children the same but before you have more than one child you just don't know what that's like so it was hard to comprehend loving another child as much as I loved Landon.  However the coolest thing happened to me when Emmaline was born.  I think I was expecting my love to be divided between Darin, Landon and Emmaline, that I would love Emmaline but somehow my love for everyone else would get smaller, or maybe I thought  my capacity to love would expand but it would only include this new person and my love for the others would stay the same.  What I discovered though was that not only did I have more love to give this precious new little girl but my love for Darin and Landon also increased.   It was the most amazing thing as God expanded my capacity to love it overflowed onto everyone.  That was definitely the most amazing part of Emmaline's birth for me.

"Pre-orange mesmorization"

Another one of my favorite moments came the day after Emmaline was born.  The morning after Emmaline arrived Darin went home to take a shower and get Landon to bring him up to the hospital. Landon was so excited to see me when he came into the hospital room.  He gave me a great big hug and then when I introduced him to his new sister Emmy he was mesmorized with her.   He had the sweetest expression on his face the first time he looked at her. The moment lasted for about 5 seconds and then he spotted an orange on my breakfast tray and started demanding the orange.  After he got his orange he did come back to "hold" Emmy and talk to her a little bit but I will always laugh thinking about him thinking she was just the coolest thing ever, until he saw the orange.   He did really love her right away though.  He was so good with her and experienced minimal jealousy. There were times that he would tell me to put Emmy down because he needed a hug.  I tried to hold them together on my lap a lot though and would say "Landon and Emmy the dynamic duo." Landon picked up on that pretty quickly and he would always say it too.  He also would tell me when she started crying, especially if I didn't immediately go pick her up.   Then if I didn't go over to her as soon as he thought I should, he'd lean over her and say "What's the matter little girl? What's the matter?" Then he would say, "She's okay mom, Emmy's okay."  They have grown to have a great love for each other. They play great together and he tells me sometimes that Emmy is his best friend.  I also heard him talking to her when they were playing in his room the other day.  He told her that he missed her when he was at preschool.  So cute!

Having a little girl has been just as much fun as I thought it would be.  She has this sweetness about her that is just irresistible.   She also has been such a good baby, she doesn't sleep as much as Landon did but she is happy when she is awake.  It's also been fun to watch her personality develop and see the differences between her and her brother.  I think her communication and understanding came more quickly than Landon, but she definitely took her time with her motor skills.  That was okay with me, because I already had one really fast kid to chase around, so having her stay less mobile for awhile made it a little easier.  Although now she's is up and going, trying her best to keep up with her brother and I must say she has been able to hang pretty tough with the rough older brother treatment.  Sometimes when I go to scold Landon for being to rough she just looks at me like, "It's okay mommy, I'm fine."

So far she is definitely every bit as "girly" as I could want her to be. She loves it when we linger in front of her closet and she likes to gaze at and "pet" her clothes.  She even picks out her own outfits sometimes. She also loves shoes, it was one of her first words!   I've also discovered recently that she is a girl after my own heart with her love of sparkly things.  I recently got her some sequin boots and she loves showing them off to people.  Then the other day she and I were shopping at Kohls and they already have all these red Christmas trees up that are decorated with sparkly red and pink ornaments.  Every time we would go past one she would say "ooooh" and reach out to touch them.  Yes, definitely a girl after my own heart, she loves red and all things that sparkle.

I hope one day our common interests will expand past material things and that as she grows into an adult we will become close friends.  I'm sure we will have our rough patches over her growing up years, but I pray we will get through that without too many bad scars and that we will be able to develop a really special friendship.  I think that hope is the best part of having a daughter for me.  I know Landon will grow up and start to identify with his dad more and while he (I hope) will still love me, the time we get to spend together will be less.  However I  hope that with Emmy she and I will become the best of friends and spend a lot of time together.  I look forward to helping her plan her wedding and encouraging her when she is a new mother.   I want her to feel comfortable coming to me with whatever is going on in her life and I pray I can set a good example for her as to what it means to be a woman who is pursuing God with her whole heart and life.

After I picked out Emmaline's name I looked for it in this baby name book that has the spiritual meanings of names and a verse next to them.  I don't know how accurate they are but the I loved the verse I found associated with Emmaline (well technically it was next to Emily but that was what it directed me to for Emmaline). It was Matthew 5:16, Let your light shine before men, so they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.  That has been and continues to be my prayer for my sweet Emmaline.  I pray she will come to know Jesus as her Savior at a very young age and that she will always live her life in a way that when people see the way she lives her life they will give glory to God.  It's not an easy task, but I pray that God will give her the strength and ability to do it.  I know for certain she will have a mom in her corner praying for her every single day and thanking God for this beautiful amazing gift that is my daughter "Emmy".  

#4 (Tie) Becoming Landon's Mom

So if you have been following my blog you might be thinking #4?? What happened to #5? Well this post and my next post are about becoming a mother to Landon and Emmaline.  Since I said my top 5 would be my all time favorite memories I couldn't give one a higher spot then the other, therefore they will both be number 4, however I am writing Landon's first because he was born first.

I always thought that I would wait at least 4 or 5 years after I got married to have kids because I wanted to really enjoy my time with just me and my husband.  However when I decided to marry Darin he informed me that waiting 4 or 5 years would not be an option because he was getting "old".  So we compromised and waited a full year before getting pregnant. It was actually 13 months after we got married that we found out we were expecting.   I had some trouble figuring out how to read the tests (you know "faint" lines and all that.)  I ended up taking 3 just to be sure. Darin actually made me get a digital one so that he could see it said "pregnant" and not just the little plus sign.

We were so excited that we got pregnant right away.  I got online to calculate my due date and I discovered the baby would be born right around my dad's 60th birthday. So when we called to tell them I asked him how he would like to have his first grandchild as his 60th birthday gift. He and my mom of course were thrilled and said that would be wonderful!

My first trimester was filled with many of the classic pregnancy symptoms.  I have NEVER been so tired in my life.  I literally fell asleep every night at about 8pm.  I would typically fall asleep on the couch while watching TV and Darin finally started saying why don't you just go to bed at 8?  I had some nausea but thankfully only got sick a few times.  My sense of smell was extremely heightened and the worst offenders were cheerios and this pomade hair product Darin had.  

Things got better in the second trimester and I discovered that while I didn't LOVE being pregnant, I didn't hate it either.  I was extremely thankful to be pregnant and to be able to experience what it was like to carry my own child  but I wasn't one of those women who absolutely love every minute and just "glow".  Although I will say I LOVE pregnancy hair! I also had this nagging anxiety that I wouldn't like our child.  Everyone assured me that I would like him, but I had my doubts, there were some kids I'd met that I didn't like, I was really hoping my kid was not one of those. 

I really enjoyed getting ready to welcome our first child. I loved picking out all our baby items, decorating the nursery and I even enjoyed our child birth classes.  It was fun getting to be with all the expecting first time parents.  Choosing a name was interesting. We went on a road trip and took a couple of name books.  I remember when I read "Landon" Darin stopped me and said I really like that, and I paused and thought about it and I agreed that I did as well.  Then I said I really liked how Landon Robert sounded and so did Darin so from there on out that was the name if our baby should be a boy.  We had a little more trouble agreeing on a girls name, in fact we fought about it so much that we had to table the girls name discussion until after found out the sex because it just wasn't worth all the fights.  Darin however was convinced we were having a boy (as were the boys we taught in youth group at the time) and he was right, in July we found out we were in fact having a boy.

They are very close even though they don't share a b-day.

We really wanted Landon to be born on my dad's birthday, December 8th, and it was pretty reasonable because my due date was the 10th of December.  We had discovered that my dad was born on his grandfather's birthday so we thought that would be a pretty cool tradition to continue.  However Landon arrived at about 6am on December 9th.  Little stinker missed it by 6 hours!  I remember I started having contractions on the 8th, but they were mild and were coming and going.  We had a doctor's appointment that day but she said they weren't strong enough for it to be labor.   I said but they are coming every five minutes and lasting for close to a minute (which was the marker she had given me).  She watched me have some and said yeah but this isn't it, she said you'll know when its real labor contractions.   I found myself very confused and was doubting her until about 1:30am when I was woken from a deep sleep with the most excruciating pain I've ever felt IN MY LIFE.  After I got through a few "real" contractions, I thought "oh this is what she meant by you'll just know."  We were suppose to wait till they had gone on consistently for an hour, however after a half an hour of THE MOST EXCRUCIATING PAIN IN MY LIFE, I had Darin call the doctor and ask if we could come in.  Thankfully he said yes and I was on my way to get that epidural, ahem.. I mean to meet our son.

Much to my disappointment when we arrived at the hospital I discovered that I could not immediately get my epidural!  Also all the breathing techniques I had been learning in four weeks of child birth classes went right out the window.  I held my breath and gritted my teeth.  Apparently before they give you an epidural they have to ask you a million questions (that I had already answered on my preregistration forms) and pump you full of fluid.  In the meantime they gave me nubain which the nurse said would take the edge off the pain but in fact didn't do anything except make me feel really out of it.  I don't remember much about the next few hours, except that the nurse kept telling me to be careful because she didn't want me to fall off the bed and Darin had to fill out a ton of paperwork (again that I thought we'd already taken care of) and I really just wanted him to come hold my hand.  I also remember really not liking my nurse so much.  She seemed really hyper for the middle of the night, and she kept telling me in the middle of my contractions to be careful not to fall of the bed. Finally after about 2 hours of begging for my epidural and waiting for my IV bag full of fluids to be emptied a wonderful doctor came in and stuck a needle in my back and I felt so much better!!

Pretty soon after that another doctor came in and broke my water. He said there was myconium (baby poop) in it so they would have to have a respiratory doctor in the room when we delivered to make sure Landon hadn't gotten any in his lungs.  Not long after that time though the nurses started acting funny and playing with the monitor on my belly.   Then the doctor came back and said the baby's heart rate had dropped and they needed to do an emergency c-section.  I was shocked because everything had been going well, they said I was progressing well and would have the baby "soon".   I was also kind of out of it when he told me because I remember kind of arguing with him and asking if I could try a different position to see if it would help.  The doctor was annoyed and let me try but it didn't work and he said we need to do this now, which was very scary.  They wheeled me out and took Darin to get scrubs on.  They were cutting me open before Darin even got in there, I remember I kept asking for him and they said he was coming and wouldn't miss it. I remember I didn't have any pain but I could feel them pulling my stomach apart.  That was a really strange sensation.  Darin made it in just in time, they got Landon out safely and when I heard his first cries I started crying.  That freaked everyone out and the doctors started asking me if I was in pain, I told them no, I was just so excited to finally hear my little boy.  I couldn't believe he was actually here!  Soon Darin had him in his arms and showed him to me as they were sewing me back up.  He was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.  His head was shaped perfectly and I thought he looked just like Darin's baby picture.

 I don't really remember anything after that until we were back in the recovery room and they were weighing Landon and Darin was taking pictures.  Darin came and laid Landon on top of me but my epidural was still in effect and I couldn't really feel anything even in my arms, so I asked him to take him back after a minute or so because I was afraid he was going to roll off of me.  The rest of the day was pretty amazing.  Our pastor, Jeff, came by soon after Landon was born and that was really special to have him there for a little bit but other than that it was just me, Darin and Landon for the rest of the day.  (Well and a bunch of doctors and nurses.) It was one of the most favorite days of my life.  I had dreamed of becoming a mom since I was a little girl and I was finally getting to meet my first born.   When the feeling came back into my body I spent lots of time cuddling with my precious little boy.  Also that first day I had some really strong pain killers coming through the IV so I felt pretty good until about 7pm when the IV ran out and I had to go to pills. The rest of our three days there I was in a lot of pain from the c-section, so I didn't enjoy that quite as much.

Darin and I really thought (and still do think) that Landon was the most beautiful newborn I've ever seen. I was prepared to not think he was cute, as I think most newborns look pretty smashed and misshapen for the first few days or weeks, but he was gorgeous. Perfect head shape, beautiful eyes and the sweetest lips.  All the doctors and nurses commented on how cute he was. Yes I'm sure they do that for all the babies, but I remember the nurses would look at him would say, "Wow, He is really cute!" And then they would look at me like really, he's exceptionally cute.



This little boy that God has given us has totally turned our world upside down for the better.  I admit I had a rough first few months, I really struggled with baby blues and the mother/child bond took a little longer than I had hoped it would.  I loved him right away but it honestly took me awhile to feel connected to him.  Everything was just so new and I had never experienced anything like this before, it was terrifying at first. Plus I was breastfeeding and I had a lot of trouble with that in the beginning so it was very stressful.   I was so glad I had my mom and dad come and stay with us for the first week.  They were a huge help with taking care of Landon as well as emotional support for me.  There is nothing that makes you appreciate your mom more than becoming a mom.

After I got into the groove of motherhood and got the breastfeeding figured out, I really started to fully enjoy my son.  Landon was such a good baby.  He slept all the time, started sleeping through the night fairly early, I'm pretty sure by 10 weeks or before he could go 6 hours or more.  There is no better gift to a new mom than 6 uninterrupted hours of sleep.  Landon also just had the best nature, as he began to develop his personality we discovered that he really was a happy baby. He smiled and laughed  all the time and was just so much fun. I remember one day asking Darin what his favorite thing about Landon was, and he said he loved what a happy baby Landon was.  I loved watching Darin with his son.  It made me feel loved just watching Darin show love to Landon. 

It's a good thing Landon was so happy and fun, because while he was a really good baby, he was also very active once he got to be mobile.  He was (and is) really fast.  I always say he didn't learn to walk, he learned to run and he learned to do that by 11 months old!   I have enjoyed him so much, even though he keeps me running (literally) all the time.   Not only is Landon fast but he is also very strong willed, which is a challenge, but I know God has given me the child I need and Landon the parents he needs.  He also has a very magnetic personality.  He makes friends wherever he goes and seems to draw people.  This trait about him is really interesting to me because when I was pregnant I told Darin I wanted to claim a verse for Landon when we prayed for him. The verses we picked was 2 Corinthians 2:14-17, was about being like the fragrance of Christ and that Landon would be a person who draws people to Christ like a sweet aroma, draws people to something.    So my prayer for him has always been that he would come to know Christ personally at a young age and then for the rest of his life, that he would live his life in such a way that draws people to Christ.  I do see in him, even at 3 years old, a love for God beginning to grow.  Also I've seen God use Landon with his sweet personality and outgoing nature to help me connect with other moms and get to share Christ's love with them. It's been pretty incredible.

One of the biggest insights I had when becoming a mother for the first time was a glimpse of how God must feel about us.  Obviously I am not humanly capable of loving anyone as much as God loves us but by becoming a mother I think I gained a better understanding of his unconditional love for us.  I've come to realize that my children are really the only people in this world that I love 100% unconditionally. Its not something I had to try to do, it just happened and I really can't imagine anything they could do that would make me stop loving them.  Yes they could hurt me in many ways, but I think I would still love them despite that hurt.  I was hesitant to share this because I don't want to devalue my love for Darin.  I do love Darin very much, but I choose to love him.  I choose to love him more than our kids and put his needs first.  However I know deep down that my love for Darin is somewhat conditional. As much as I hate to say it, there are things that he could do that would probably make me stop loving him.  I hope that never happens, I don't for see it happening, but I think it would be possible if he hurt me bad enough that I could chose not to love him anymore.  I don't feel like I have that choice with my kids. I feel like I can't help but love them, which I think must be how God feels about us.

Another insight I've gained with the birth of Landon is how strong and special the bond is between a mother and son.  It is such a special relationship, I adore him and he adores me.  I know it won't always be like this, one day another women will come into the picture and he will adore her, which is what is suppose to happen, but I am really loving the relationship we have right now and I will treasure it always, as I treasure him.